The Panty Hose Debacle 2011
This article violates my own rule of not talking about my ailments and health. Please forgive me. Bear in mind that I’m 83 years old; and the right side of my body is in pretty good shape as far as movement is concerned, but the left side is something else. To begin with I have a really bad shoulder, which gives me only limited use of that arm and then the left knee does not bend properly making it virtually impossible to get the left foot up on the right knee. Also I have acute Neuropathy in both feet – meaning they are dead – and they certainly don’t want to wear socks or stockings.
With all that said, my true story begins. Going to church stocking-less is hard for me to do, so on this particular Sunday Morning I decided to wear panty hose because after church we were going to another “function” where we would see lots of folks we seldom see. I get all set for installation of the stockings and with one side of the hose in hand I slip the toe onto my right foot and pull the hose up on the leg slightly. Now I’m sitting in a chair in my bathroom. I grunted, pulled and struggled to get the left foot up on the right knee and finally got the toe of the stocking onto the toe of the foot and on release the handicapped foot hit the floor with a bang. With that done, I relax a minute and then stand up and try to pull the stockings up only to find that the body of the hose is twisted (never had that happen to me before) and when I make the discovery it’s up high in the thigh area. There’s nothing to do but to sit down and remove the stockings from one foot; and I opted to remove the right foot since it works best. Experiencing little trouble I pull the hose up thinking all is well. Wrong! When the band of the hose arrive at the destination of my waist I spy the label which tells me that after all this, said stockings are on wrong side out and backwards!! Oh Brother!! Off come the pair and I turn them so that the right side is out. By now I’m exhausted with all this turmoil. Needless to say, I have to rest a bit before the operation begins all over again. Going through the same motions I successfully get the stockings on and by now John is outside the door asking if all is okay. Okay? You don’t want to know how I answered him.
All this reminded me of a friend who experiences similar problems to mine and one Sunday when she couldn’t get her stockings on she asked her husband for help. Ugh!! Can you imagine having a man try to help one get a pair of hose on? Later in telling this story she said to me, “If I have to go through all that to get to church, I’ll never darken the church door again.”
This was definitely not funny when it was happening, but now we laugh about it all. Such is country living.